Everyone has at least one in his or her life. That person who is just “drama” and creates it wherever he or she goes. We are all familiar with the phrase “drama queen,” but I’ve found that there are also plenty of “drama kings” out there. Hence, the word dramamonger in the title, i.e. someone who deals in drama.
There are many reasons that a person deals in drama. For some people, it’s what they know. In its familiarity and predictability, it becomes comfortable: there is comfort in discomfort. This may seem odd, but these people often grew up in dramatic, tumultuous, chaotic or even traumatic environments and have come to operate this way. Those with some insight don’t like it, but they often don’t know anything different. They may not know how to function differently and most certainly would if they could. For instance, we know that children learn what they live. If a child grows up in a situation where parents often yell and fight, the child will come to associate this intensity with love because he believes that parents should and do love each other no matter what. A child growing up with this distorted idea about love and relationship may become an adult who seeks or creates similar relationships. The premise, then, is that if you love me, you will fight with me. If you’re not intense, you have no passion, which means you don’t love me. It may seem strange to some, but you must remember that this is largely a subconscious process.
Other people deal in drama because the ruckus keeps them from taking an honest look at themselves. For example, a person might make a big stink about something that’s happened to him and externalize the blame to everyone around him, becoming very angry and pushing people away with his anger. This intensity, this drama keeps the attention off of him and any contribution he may have made to the situation. By reacting so intensely, he may succeed in shutting others down, keeping them from holding him accountable in any way.
Still others deal in drama because it’s a way to draw attention to themselves. If a person is starved for attention, love, affection and so on, he may create intensity to get these things. The subconscious premise at work is that bad attention is better than no attention at all. Treatment can help this person learn two things: (1) How to be comfortable in her own skin. If she can love herself enough and feel good enough about herself, she won’t feel the need for constant attention. (2) How to garner appropriate attention.When she wants attention or affection, as we all do, she can learn to find it, ask for it and gain it appropriately.
Some people create drama to conquer it. This person gains a sense of accomplishment, an increased self-esteem, when he can de-escalate, defuse or otherwise handle an intense situation. For some, this is an effort to recapitulate and master the drama of some point earlier in their lives.
Other people create drama to keep themselves stuck in the victim role. The theory is that this will draw attention and caregiving of some sort, even pity at times. In the search for pity, these individuals often appear to have “Poor Me Syndrome.” The hope is this: If I’m a victim, people will feel sorry for me and care for or nurture me.
Lastly, some people create drama to keep expectations low. The subconscious idea at work is that if I keep chaos in my life, no one will expect anything from me. If there are no expectations of me, I can’t fail or let anyone down. If I don’t fail, I get to keep what little self-esteem I have.
The good news is that there is hope for dramamongers. Firm yet compassionate boundaries from loved ones and friends plus a good course of therapy can yield great rewards. In working with these individuals, I have found they are often very relieved to learn that there is another way to live and maintain relationships. Truth be told, they generally are truly are exhausted by all of the emotional intensity and look forward to doing things differently and living a fuller, yet less dramatic life. A great deal of the work in therapy, then, has to do with improving self-esteem. Once there is a basic confidence established, the individual can go out and practice the new ways of living, starting with small efforts. After that, success breeds success.
If you have a dramamonger in your life, show some compassion. There’s at least one good reason he or she behaves this way. You never know how you’d cope if you’d walked a mile in another’s shoes, so don’t judge.
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