When thinking about a partner or looking to evaluate and make improvements in your current marriage, it can be helpful to categorize partner traits into three groups: non-negotiable yeses, non-negotiable nos and desirable traits that aren’t dealbreakers. This helps clarify what’s essential for a healthy relationship and what’s simply a bonus. It’s important to know what you stand for going in to a relationship.
Must-Haves
These are the qualities you absolutely must have in a partner for a relationship to work for you. Without these, the relationship likely won’t be sustainable or fulfilling. Here are some examples:
- Honesty and Integrity: Your partner must be truthful and act with strong moral principles. This builds trust, which is the foundation of any healthy relationship.
- Respectful Communication: A partner needs to be able to communicate openly, honestly and respectfully, even during disagreements. This includes active listening and a willingness to understand your perspective, even if they don’t agree.
- Emotional Maturity: Someone you’re planning to spend the rest of your life with should be able to manage their emotions, take responsibility for their actions and approach challenges with a level head. This prevents unnecessary drama and fosters a sense of stability.
- Shared Core Values: While you don’t need to agree on everything, having alignment on fundamental values (e.g., family, finances, life goals, ethics) is crucial for long-term compatibility.
- Kindness and Empathy: Your partner should genuinely care about your well-being and be able to understand and share your feelings. This fosters a supportive and compassionate environment.
These are merely a few examples of important traits. You may also want someone who shares your religious or spiritual beliefs, has a good sense of humor, is intelligent/can hold intelligent conversations about important topics, is physically attractive, is financially responsible, holds the same political views, has a certain level of education, is ambitious and so on. Know what you’re looking for in a relationship. It’s better to be a little picky than to settle and have problems down the road or feel trapped in an unhealthy or unhappy situation.
Dealbreakers
These are the absolute dealbreakers. Many of these characteristics can be hidden for a time, so this is why a lengthy dating period/courtship is crucial. If a potential partner exhibits any of these traits, it’s a clear sign the relationship will likely be unhealthy or harmful:
- Dishonesty/Deceitfulness: Trust is the cornerstone of relationships. As I detail in my marriage book, it comes even before love. A pattern of lying, hiding information or being manipulative erodes trust completely.
- Lack of Respect/Controlling Behavior: This includes any form of disrespect, whether it’s belittling, dismissing your feelings or attempting to control your actions or choices.
- Abuse (Physical, Emotional, Verbal, Spiritual, Financial): Any form of abuse is a definitive no. Your safety and well-being are paramount.
- Unresolved Addiction: While individuals can recover, an active and unaddressed addiction can make a healthy relationship nearly impossible due to its unpredictable and destructive nature.
- Extreme Negativity/Pessimism: While everyone has bad days, a chronic and pervasive negative outlook can drain a relationship and make it difficult to find joy or build a positive future together.
- Lack of Empathy/Narcissism: A partner who consistently shows no regard for your feelings or is solely focused on themselves will prevent any deep emotional connection.
Nice-to-Haves
These are qualities that you believe would be wonderful to have in a partner, but their absence wouldn’t necessarily end a relationship. They often add to the richness and enjoyment of the partnership. You may have some of these under your non-negotiable yeses category already, or you may find that these are simply bonuses when present:
- Sense of Humor: Being able to laugh together and share lighthearted moments can significantly enhance a relationship.
- Shared Hobbies/Interests: Having activities you enjoy doing together can create bonding experiences and fun.
- Financial Stability/Responsibility: While important for practical reasons, different financial situations can often be managed if core values and communication are strong.
- Ambition/Drive: A partner who is motivated and has goals can be inspiring, but not everyone needs to be highly ambitious to be a good partner.
- Physical Attractiveness (Beyond Initial Spark): While initial attraction is important, deep compatibility and emotional connection often become more significant over time than superficial good looks.
- Sociability/Introversion: Whether your partner is an extrovert or an introvert, it’s generally manageable as long as both partners respect each other’s social needs.
- Good Listener (Beyond Respectful Communication): Someone who truly listens and remembers details about your life can make you feel deeply heard and understood.
Thinking about these categories can help you prioritize what truly matters in a partner and avoid getting sidetracked by less important traits. Because if you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything.
If you want help with relationship preparation, maintenance or repair, be sure to check out my book, Fix Your Freaking Marriage: Practical Tips to Just Start Somewhere. If you’re considering getting married, be sure to check out the chapter about the 11 reasons marriages fail. Let it serve as a cautionary tale for you as you select a partner—and a wedding date!
